Why is intimacy so scary

At-home gonorrhea tests make this easier. Here's how to get started. Read on for an explanation on what qualifies as a kink vs. People have anal sex for many reasons, including to avoid pregnancy.

But can you get pregnant from anal? Health Conditions Discover Plan Connect. Defining and Overcoming a Fear of Intimacy. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph. Fear of intimacy symptoms. Fear of intimacy causes. Effects of fear of intimacy. Diagnosing fear of intimacy. Overcoming fear of intimacy. Read this next. Genophobia and How to Treat a Fear of Sex. Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph. Inhibited Sexual Desire. What Is Sexual Anorexia? Medically reviewed by Michael Weber, MD.

Medically reviewed by Fernando Mariz, MD. Medically reviewed by Carolyn Kay, M. I often ponder this alternate viewpoint against the grain of modern pop psychology. Some people do better uncoupled. This is a good article and seems very much to describe me. I can only imagine being the guy in that situation. The myriad of mixed emotions coming out as mixed messages as fear, interest, anger at myself, speculation, nausea and despair war inside of me.

Most of the time I know myself to be pretty, intelligent, good, and industrious. But in those moments when I am attracted to someone I realize how ugly, fat, lazy, immoral and stupid I really am and wallow in my inferiority. I am egocentric in my failures and foibles. I cannot overpower the visceral emotion of unworthiness with the logical knowledge of my good worth at the risk of sounding egotistical I am a good catch- average to pretty looks, well educated with a good job and generally sweet and loyal disposition.

So how do I get over this? No one will ever get close to me. Do I want them to? Should I want them to get close? This is exceptionally well written. It has provided great clarity for me. I have yet to read a more accurate comment that mirrors the trials and tribulations in my own life.

My problem is I am fully aware of what my problem is and I also know that there are steps in order to combat these pessimistic feelings however where my roadblock lies is not knowing how far I will need to go or how long it will take to get over these insecure mind games I set myself up for. Or will I be blissfully-miserably single forever…. Look up Pia Mellody on YouTube. Or see my videos on anxiety there search for my name , where I summarize the results of many months spent looking for the best explanations and remedies that people have come up with for anxiety, which fear of intimacy is a variant of.

Hopefully this will explain why you get scared, and based on that, what you can do to grow stronger emotionally. Once we lift the instinctive blocks to loving ourself, that for many of us were required in order to survive danger during our childhood, and once we love ourself again, then we no longer perceive so much danger in getting rejected, and fear becomes manageable.

I litterelly think i just grew up a little. Here I am a tough Veteran who got back from deployment to meet a girl and start getting really close, i knew i had avoidant issues in the past but since i self medicated with prostitution that shouldnt be a problem anymore? I know you like me? Im sitting there like wtf dude?

Theres no wall to climb, shes right there AND your upsetting her by not being intimate!! Im still trying to figure out what just happened. So the next day i send her a text about not wanting to see her anymore. Why did i hurt her? My mother left when i was 4. And she passed 2weeks before deployment.

Im 27 now. And between all that time i was never nurtured by a female. Im going to look into this alot more becuase i think im just scared to get hurt again. My girlfriend of four years has a fear of intimacy. She only feels comfortsble holding haneds. For example she says she is not ready to go on a day out to Blackpool, she is not ready for touching or sex.

But how can we seek help if one partner is in denial? Any idvice? I know you love each other, but it is important to explore within yourself what the secondary gain may be to have stayed all this time. Consider seeing a Gestalt therapist. It has helped me. Dear David! I hope your issue is resolved till that time. I read your story and was really touched, but please do not listen to advices to separate from your beloved one as if these relations are not worth of trying to develop them!

I hope you will have strength to go on. You are very faithful and committed to your girlfriend, and this is a rare case nowadays. I myself, already married, have imtimate problems, because I do not find sex an enyoing thing, and this is such a burden for me and my husband, but although he is upset he never even thinks about separation.

Looking for solutions of my own problems I read a lot of literature on relations. I do not have any concrete idea for you now, but from what I read I can see that the psychologists are so advanced now that for sure someone will help you.

Maybe you should find a book about fear of intimacy and ask your girlfriend to read it when and where it is comfortable for her, so that you do not annoy her by trying totalk about this in person.

Give her time and maybe when she opens it once she will recognise herself on the pages… At least when I did not know what is going on with me I found it helpful to read just anything about problems in relations and I was able to see myself sometimes as in a mirror, and developed a vocabulary of how to talk about this with my husband.

Also, get to know about her religious background. Maybe she is afraid that you will not reserve your sexual life till marriage, and that you will go too far. Will be very happy for you if you suddenly answer me: thanks, but it is not any more a problem, my girlfriend opened up to me. Wow, this explains a lot. I want to love and be loved in return, but sometimes, I feel weird.

This article is trying to show people the rewards of opening up and experiencing something greater. If some people were meant to be alone, then why did they go looking for a relationship?

I often wonder what would help my boyfriend become more open to sharing himself with me. I would just hope that this post helps someone who feels they cannot be open and helps them change things around and let love in. I also hope this post reaches people who are dating a person with intimacy issues. I love this article and want to use it on my humanities paper. Who wrote this article and when?

Any additional information would be very helpful! Hi, I am 27 years male. Can what am having be considered as fear of intimacy. I had had 2 episode of depressions.. Secretly unknowingly I developed feelings inside me,then I became possessive,over possessive.. She likes you,likes your outstanding sense of humour,your caring but she is not in love with you I am sure …now as I am possessive for her,when she becomes more friendly with anyone else I feel jealous or something which creates anxiety,I start trying getting over this feeling of love towards her,basically I try to escape..

Can you please help? Please find help with a therapist or counselor. Someone in that profession can help you work through your issues and take steps to make positive changes, to better your understanding of yourself, to make better choices in your life.

I wish you well. I can very much relate to this article, and to be honest it took me quite some time to understand what the problem was and still is. Half a year, to be precise. For this time I nearly went insane from all the analysis and cross-reference and all the trying to understand what is wrong while battling my own fears with my other hand to clear out the way from the false fear-debris. It was difficult but I got rid of all of my fears about relationships, and at the moment I am still learning to be calm and emotionally self-restraint, to give the space for my partner to gradually open up.

I believe there is no other choice but to take the gamble and wait around for long enough to see the project come to a completion, as in, seeing your partner getting rid of her or his fears or leave. It takes a very secure and very strong character to do that. For me, at the time I was unable to ignore my dearest and was overly-attached, and that was the main thing that kept me from progressing. Because the first thing that gave me progress is giving her space.

I battled for the last half a year my overly-attached-ness and fear of abandonment, and I can say by now that I am free of those fears. We are also LDR and for the last half a year communicate via skype, for she left for Poland to work there.

There has been some progress, but today for example I had an emotional breakout when I wanted an immidiate and more effective solution and brainstormed everything I could do, but in the end of it, I simply figured out that every other solution would be pushing her. I think I simply need the strength to carry my love through this and be strong enough to win this biggest challenge of my life so far.

This article is great, but as people with fear of intimacy said, they have to go through this on their own, and pressure from their loved ones will only make them feel depressed. And to all of you who decided to stick around with the person who has Intimacy problems, I wish you the best luck and I must tell you that you are the luckiest people in the world. This challenge, if you are strong and bold enough to stand up to it, can build up the parts of your character that under other circumstances would never be developed.

Can I suggest that if you are not getting what you need from this relationship, then waiting around for your girlfriend to change is doing you a disservice. Why not just find someone who is more compatible with you? She gave me several ultimatums of the years but has not left.

She has asked me to set her free but I thought I could fix it. She just started an affair to keep herself from going crazy with depression. She wants me to go to an Intimacy workshop. As much as I hope that would work I am skeptical. I have so much deep seated emotional isolationism from growing up.

Sad really but she needs better. Is this a cop out? She found someone that makes her feel sexy and desired. We all want that. We have 2 teenage daughters so thats an extra delima. I may never be truly happy with anyone but that is my penance and not hers. I can totally relate to your comments. I am in similar position, pain of separation versus pain of not. I have just came across this article and I suspect there are so many trapped in relationships where they do not share intimacy.

The question for me is, is the intimacy a cause or a symptom? Disney is for the movies, happy ever after may not exist. This makes me very happy. I have been doing this all of my life, and I walked away from the love of my life because of paralyzing fear. Thank you for this great article. It makes me happy. There are broken human beings who may never achieve long term intimacy but have relationships without being capable of maintaining long term intimacy. I have seen some people who marry and divorce many times or have multiple affairs or relationships.

I have seen men who get addicted to porn and substitute the sex addiction for intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not the same.

I have seen some women who suffered some childhood trauma which prevents them from ever achieving long term intimacy. Borderline personality disorders can occur when people cross lines in relationships unable to achieve long term intimacy with constant cheating, repeat, reset, and cheat again!

Yoga, self meditation, writing, self understanding, meditation, and prayer can all help. Ultimately, there are broken people who cannot be fixed. Death can also interfere with achieving and maintaining intimacy. Sex is not the same as real true intimacy. People can and do get involved in relationships which do not work and then have a lot of trouble getting out of the relationship only to find a new relationship which is worse.

Floating from bad relationship to bad relationship. It is possible to be happy without being in a bad relationship.

Know thyself. Too many men use sex as a substitute for intimacy and pornography is not real. Childhood trauma leaves too many women broken and in undiagnosed intimacy problems which in truth may not be solved.

Childhood trauma and parental upbringing play a huge part in how we turn out as adults. I try to see the positives and be grateful for it, I mean, at least I have the basic tools to keep myself alive.

I have initmacy problems which will probably lead to divorce — cant blame my wife if she leaves me — I cant change I never wanted children and dont think I can be a good father. I am now 50 and dont really understand the purpose of Life. Please consider this. If you form your identity off of negative things all of which you have , then that is who you are to yourself, even if that is not actually all of who you are.

You have chosen a path and it leads to dust and death without a greater purpose. Have you ever prayed to God about your life? Asked Him to help you clear your old self and forgive you so you might use your life for what you were created for? Please consider doing so. And by environment I mean friends, family everyone. And I enjoy being alone. Also I distance myself a lot from my family. I miss him so so much, it was like giving away my own child I had him since I was But I also live in a country where people are very stand off ish and cold, so making friends is really hard here.

Because where I live, if people are very friendly of my own age they directly want something in return. I need change and I need a plan. Good luck to all and if anyone has some advice, please do feel free. Hugs from Europe.

For me intimacy and peace definitely do NOT go hand in hand. I am old enough now to know better for myself…. Basically, by the time I got my stuff back into my possession and was trying to get my life back in order, I discovered box by box that I had no functional material possessions left…only meaningless junk.

Mu subconscious intimacy anxiety is so bad that I have been unable to be in any kind of emotionally intimate relationship since I started dating more than 3 decades ago. Sexually I am fine when a relationship starts but after the 3rd or 4th sexual encounter my body shuts down sexually and i am unable to perform. Aw, this was an extremely nice post.

Taking the time and actual effort to produce a good article… but what can I say… I hesitate a lot and never seem to get nearly anything done. This is an awful issue. I knew my partner had a problem for several months in that she could have sex with other men but rarely with me.

It caused distrust and tension between us and she waited until our realtionship had hit rock bottom before opening up about what was going on — her fear of intamacy! Unfortunately by then she was pregant by another man and although I offered to stand by her and work through her fears she chose to leave rather than face her demons. It was heartbreaking losing her knowing she loved me and I loved her but she could not take what looks like the simple step of asking for help.

I know what you are thinking if she loved you she would not be pregnant by another man however you do not know the full story. Wow… I have been in a relationship with a man for 9 months and this describes him to a T.. From the get go he has never initiated sex…after sex there is no cuddling and he always starts with a weird nervous cough right after….

I get no emotional support from him… he can not even look me in the eyes while I am trying to praise him or cuddle with him.. I am very affectionate and open and have probably pushed him away this time. I have had trouble even getting him to hug me with 2 arms, usually I get a one armed hug. He has said I Love you, but never in a romantic manner and most certainly never while looking at me.

Today he has told me that he can not meet my needs…. I am of course devastated and trying to sort it all out in my head… the more I keep going after him the more I keep pushing him away.

I have no doubt that he loves me in his own way… we have talked numerous times of a future together but every time I ask for some more closeness he pushes me away.

Even sometimes when I am trying to kiss him he squirms and turns his head from side to side like an 8 year old boy fearing being kissed by his grandmother! This man also has some deep rooted self esteem issues perhaps due to being obese almost all of his life. He had the weight loss surgery 2 years ago and is still obese but not lbs like he used to be. I have let him know that I love him with all of my heart and That I am here still. Either way all of the people I cared about either hurt me, died, or left me, all but my best and only friend.

Not to mention I got beat up daily by my classmates for years and the teachers, convinced I was less than human, encouraged it. Granted, things are better now. I always wondered why I backed out of every commitment, anything long term with a person, friendship, relationship, they were dreams of mine that I ALWAYS ended.

I never understood why, but this is a bit of a wake up call here. I know I have an inferiority complex. I saw this website and if fit every one of the signs to a T. It was startling to say the least. It definitely makes sense with my sorry excuse of a life though. My life is so messed up it makes me laugh. Gotta find joy somehow. Gosh, this is truly heart rending to read. Families are tough places sometimes, and growing up can be nothing short of a victory.

Somehow in your message, beneath all of the suffering and the self-deprecation and the humour, is a vulnerability that we feel is real strength as composed to the tough guy persona.

There is a lot of courage involved in sharing all this. We hope you keep going. We wish you well. We are so glad the article was helpful. Hope that helps! Good luck! Like all the other comments here, I agree and think that I have a problem with intimacy. I push people away when they get too close. Dishonesty in everything- words, expressions, actions- is second nature.

I feel ashamed of showing vulnerability. All the men I choose to be are the type who will eventually leave. In fact, I start thinking of how it will end before it even starts. I start hating all the guys I choose.

Or I crush on unattainable men who are already in love. Again, as the article says, it stems from my childhood and having no adult I could trust.

I never thought I will have fear of intimacy until I read this article. It actually scares me how all of the criteria match really well with my condition and personality. Thank you for posting it and make me know myself a little bit better now. Rinchen, thank you for your honest sharing. Of course it is not an overnight thing, it requires seriousl committment to personal growth and usually support.

Hope it helps! After graduating college I found everything from my childhood and smashed, burned or tossed away in the trash. It was liberating! I never dated u til I was an adult. Seldom as that was, it was futile and empty. Oddly now, I find myself married for over 20 years to one of the only two females I could ever connect with. It gave me the outward appearance of normalcy.

So far it is working. Thanks for sharing Thomas. It seems quite obvious to me my wife suffers from this. A product of a mother incapable of loving. My question is, can fear of intimacy cause one to be sexually cold.

After 30 years of marriage, she has never been able to enjoy sex, no interest or pleasure in receiving or in giving. She actually dislikes being touched intimately. She says it feels almost numb there and thinks women who enjoy sex are merely faking it. Do I have any reason to hope for change when she denies a problem exists? Hi Charles, change can always happen, but of course a person needs to want to change. The only person you have any power over here is yourself.

And there are a lot of other questions we have other than the one you ask, which perhaps we ask as if you have stayed in this relationship despite a lack of intimacy for 30 year. Why are you focussing on this now and not then? What has changed for you? Are you happy in the relationship? And in your life right now? Is this the only problem in the relationship? Or is there something else about it, or life, that is bothering you? What is it you have been thinking and feeling lately? These are the kinds of beginning questions you could talk about with a counsellor or therapist.

I feel like my eyes have been opened… My best friend told me that I am like the Tin Man and how tragic it is.. I cannot seem to cry nor let people near enough to hurt me even my husband. We are going through a lot of problems at the moment and I am realizing that I have a lot of deep-seated unresolved issues that are affecting my relationships. Perhaps it came from losing my Dad to an accident at such a young age. I sometimes think it ruined my faith in the world forever and now I find myself in a codependent — counterdependent relationship..

I have a lot of stuff to work on, but this article is an eye opener and an amazing first step…. We are glad to hear it was of help! And it must have been tremendously hard for you to lose your father at a young age, there is a very real possibility that affected your ability to trust men fully, definitely something worth exploring. We wish you courage! This article really resonates with me. I guess I have no choice but to admit that I have a fear of intimacy, a fear of someone else seeing into me and knowing me deeply.

And that truly hurts. More than a few of these points are spot on. I am the strong one. Whether I take up that mantle willingly, or have it thrust upon me, things always seem to turn out that way. I feel that showing my pain, my weaknesses, and my vulnerabilities is a no-no, unallowed, and unwanted.

I feel like it definitely has a childhood source. Maybe growing up with a father addicted to drugs for 20 years is the cause. I love him dearly, but the amount of struggle, shame, fear, and embarassment that his actions forced into my mother, my five siblings, and myself has got to count for something.

Maybe that has imprinted itself into my unconscious behavior and thinking patterns? But I do know this: I am grateful for this article. I feel like I can consciously try to grow from this point onwards. We are so happy to hear it helped. Thank you. And you are brave to admit there is a problem, and that the problem is painful.

You very wisely can see how it might stem from childhood patterns and that does make clear sense, what you describe. Of course knowing the problem is one thing. Feeling all the feelings around the problem, finding our way through that, is another. As is learning how to step out of the pattern and try new ways of being and relating.

But it is entirely possible that this can be achieved. You already have tremendous self honesty and compassion, too, for both your father and even yourself.

Which is great to see. But if you could gather your courage and seek some support to take those next steps forward, we believe you could see the results you deserve and start to break down those walls and change those deep-rooted core beliefs that trap you into the same box again and again.

It was me 5 out of 7. I have been tring to find if there is something wrong in me that needs to get corrected to live a better life for several years now. I wander if there is any relationship between fear of intimacy and OCPD.

Thanks for great article! It gave me a new insight into my behaviour and their reasons. We are glad the article helped. We really hope the book is helpful, and good for you for bravely working to understand yourself.

Never had any girlfriends in my teens or twenties and so on obviously suffered with low self-esteem, Never had that close friendship with anyone only acquaintances I never mixed with other children until I started school so it was difficult for me to make friends easily. Reading this article, some of these points forcefully upbeat, strong opinions that angered me before, unable to recall her past, people having different impressions of her, tending to be self-reliant sounds like one of my relatives.

Even then I assumed she may have repressed it real hard for fear of embarrassment or shame. And that is something that should be taken seriously. But psychological therapies can definitely be very helpful if we have difficulties relating. Thanks for sharing Ada. But in the end, the only person we can help is ourselves.

And sometimes by letting go and leaving others to lead their life in the way that works for them, however flawed we might find it, but then helping ourselves and taking care of our own problems, we inspire the other person to do something about their situation. So the best thing you can do here is find support for yourself, and focus on your own emotions and anxieties.

If they are overwhelming, do seek support. The only way to work through fear of intimacy is support. So essentially you can have fear of intimacy and a therapist can metaphorically hold your hand while a partner really does. This really resonated with me. Seeing yourself as that positive soul who others can rely on is the perfect deflection away from oneself. I know. But it will get better.

Thank you for this post. Great article. I have suffered from intimacy anxiety all my life and, unlike many it also effected my ability to perform sexually. Since my teens I found that my sexual functioning was fine until a relation would begin to form and then after two or three sexual encounters with the same woman it was like someone turned off a switch.

I would loose all desire for her and would lose my ability to ejaculate and soon after I would lose my erection and no matter how hard I would try my sexual functioning would not return with that person.

When i was single I figured it was simple sexual boredom and I would move on to another woman until it happened again. Needless to say when I finally married at age 35 I began suffering these dysfunctions with my wife. Being an understanding person she suggested we go into Sex therapy which was a disaster. No matter what the Therapist had us try it failed and we both became discouraged and my wife tended to blame herself for the fact I had no sexual desire for her.

Our marriage has now been sexless since the beginning almost 25 years. Thank you for publishing this important article. There is obviously a link for you.

Sometimes with sexual issues newer, brain-based techniques can provide results when talk therapy fails. Do you think I need to see a professional therapist. Hi John, it does sound like there is more to it than shyness, and it also sounds tremendously lonely.

Seeing a therapist would be a wonderful idea. It helps with all kinds of issues. A therapist, for example, can help you practice your social skills and ways of relating. Also, John, if you have social anxiety obviously the entire process of going to the therapist might be terrifying. They are used to people being nervous.

Furthermore, nowadays you can do therapy over skype or even phone. Of course what is not important is whether you book with us, just that you seek some support, so go with wherever feels right for you! We wish you courage. Thank you for your reply. There maybe more! Hi John. We are all unique. And it can be due to so many things. All this to say, if you are worried and confused, best bet is to see a counselling psychologist or psychotherapist and share all these concerns.

They would be able to help you identify what your core issues are and then help decide what your goals are and find ways to create the life that works to make you feel comfortable. How do I find out if I have some kind of Personality disorder I also suffer with bottled up emotions as well and therapy can be quite costly. This sort of thing I think is sometimes stopping me moving on in life on things I want to do?

Hi John, there are many ways to find affordable therapy nowadays. Yes, some of us are sensitive, yes colleagues can be hard to get on with. And yes this can all stop us from moving forward. Support can help, but you have to be ready to change. If not, then the choice is to accept our life as it is and our suffering.

Your life is up to you. You are in charge! Thank you for your help. Like not talking in a conversation depending on the subject or being too quiet at times or most times. I have no sense and control over my anger.

I sent nasty and vulgar emails and phone calls to my sister and sadly I find pleasure in it. I know I am sick in head and have sexual thought and dreams about my mother.

When we are not. We are just a human who is really hurt, really scared, and not sure how to handle things. If you have the courage perhaps the best thing here would be finding the courage to find a good counsellor or therapist you feel at least reasonably comfortable with and working on all this. A good therapist will be totally non judgmental and create a very safe environment for you. What do they actually call it if someone can feel comfortable around some people or somebody and not others or maybe lives in the past so much?

Hi John, there is no special term for that that we know of. Most of use feel comfortable around some people and not others. Living in the past is a separate issue and just a personal issue not at all a disorder. Sorry maybe this is not a frequently asked question but can you advise. In our understanding this is simply not true.

We have our own rhythms, our own ways of learning, our own speeds. Everyone struggles with something! We feel the real question here is about self-esteem. There is always self-judgement in the comments you leave.

What if you are doing the best you can and that is ok? This is exactly me. Especially the part about going for emotionally unavailable men. I love him so much. I feel very uncomfortable when I think about being intimate with him, or anyone. Even though I love him, it really scares me.

I truly need help with this. As you have correctly identified, the real issue is why you are going after someone already in a relationship. We think not telling him how you feel is actually fair on him. So it becomes about, what core beliefs do you have that drive you to spend all your emotional and mental energy on a situation where you cannot win.

That you deserve to suffer? Are you best friends, have you known him for years, have you had many bonding experiences with him? That love is spending all your time obsessing on someone you hardly know. Love is neither of these. At all. Love, among other things, is spending quality time with someone who respects you and who supports you to be your best self, even as you support and respect them.

These patterns run deep and are inevitably connected to childhood experiences. Well I have known him for five years, I know him very well.

I work with him everyday. We are very good friends, and I have helped him through breakups before my strong feelings developed and he has helped me through some very rough times. So yes, I know him very well, and we are very close. I developed feelings for him before he was ever in a relationship, when he was available, but I waited to tell him how I felt. I have massive insecurities. Mostly about my appearance. But what I am most concerned about is how I can let go of him.

Someone else has him, and I can never be with him, how can I help my situation when I have to work with him everyday? That is really hard. It sounds like you are good friends. Most workplaces provide some coverage for counselling, see if yours does. When we get hung up on how we look we can close down other very attractive energies within ourselves…. This works for everyone. You have resources inside you are probably overlooking, but a therapist can help you see. As for this man, you have to work with your own interests here.

Think carefully. Otherwise, if you are really deeply unhappy, see what other choices are available. Is there a way to progress your career by going elsewhere, are you in any way holding yourself back career wise to stay near him? Yes it is very hard. Unfortunately I cannot get a different job.

So I have to detach myself from him I guess. But thank you for the help, some things you have said really opened my eyes. I have to try to reverse the feelings or something, because it is making me very unhappy. I actually feel pain in my chest when I think about it.

Is that something that happens? Thinking about him with someone else physically makes me feel like I will be sick. But I am miserable. Hi Eliza, yes, sounds like anxiety of course we always advise to get a physical checkup if you are having physical symptoms.

Definitely consider support. A good place to start if you feel nervous of therapy would be CBT. So be proud that you made choices that were self care instead of just trying to please others.

We are sure your friends understood and can see you just need some space now and then. I have been struggling with intimacy fear since my early teenage. People see me as a really funny and smart guy, and i dont have like a ton of friends but the ones i have are the ones i need.

I think the problem lies within my fear of opening up myself to the individual i have a connection with and sharing my innermost feelings with them, which i always do after its over.

The girls i have bonded with also seem to give me some sort of hints which i reject immediately by joking around and changing the subject. Which is why i forced myself to stay in contact with the latest of my flirts in the hopes that it might be educational for me. This brings me to my question, why do i not have any problem with having a friendly relationship with either boys or girls, but find it difficult to develop an emotional and sexual relationship?

Hi Andy, sounds tough. And if any of us were that simple, life would be so much easier! We are complicated, us humans. Our best bet is that a combination of the way you were parented and certain experiences in the past have formed how you feel about intimacy. You mention the circumcision, which seems to have been a traumatic experience for you. So perhaps this was the final thing for you that pushed you to a point you feel you must protect yourself at all costs from someone getting too close.

We would, in your case, given that you are obviously really struggling, and that we imagine there are some complex issues that need airing, processing, and healing, highly recommend you seek support. Do you have any budget? Are there therapists in your area? IF you are a student, many colleges and universities offer free or low cost counselling, definitely worth looking into. On my third marriage- never truly opened up to anyone.

A few times I may have worked in a light dialogue centered on something of importance to me and it was either ignored, used against me, or completely taken out of context. When we were intimate — lights had to be off and I always hide my body anytime I need to change or get dressed. I feel relationships are just emotional and I would rather being doing something productive mentally or physically. The few family get together I am busy cleaning, cooking, or helping out in some other way.

Sitting and talking is sooo uncomfortable to me. I can honestly say no one really knows all that much about me- they assume they know. What really comes across to us as well as this anger is a deep loneliness and unhappiness. This way of living is not working for you much as you are trying to tell yourself it is.

So what are you going to do about it? Now that you realise the issue lies with you? Yes, any sort of change will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, even terrifying. But change is possible. Much as you so carefully built this defence system, you can carefully dismantle it.

We would highly recommend you seek some professional support with this. Best, HT. I have always had a touch of self loathing and rarely had motivation to change in my youth. I had a period where I got fit and was enrolled with the marines and my confidence was at a high, but I lost hearing in an ear due to brain trauma and that ended all that.

That is possibly neither here nor there as that was more then 10 years ago now, and I find myself the most depressed and lonely I have ever been. Hey PH. Gosh that is hardly a touch but a massive truck full of serious self-loathing going on. It almost feels like an addictive self need to put yourself down. You might even have PTSD from the sounds of it. We are rather sure there are tons of things likeable about you but you just need to gain the clarity to see them again, and to see what matters to the person you are now, and how to find people who actually share values with you and easily appreciate you instead of chasing the attention of people who might not really be as much what you think you like as you are telling yourself often, after big life changes, we need to expand our perspective and social circles to find people who match who we are now.

Would we suggest therapy or support? Absolutely, and not as we are a therapy company. Read our article on things that help trauma here. In summary, take the courage that had you post here and do whatever you can to turn that into courage to get some real, in person help. I am not sure that I fit the mold exactly, but a lot of the article resonated with me. Let me explain my situation. But as soon as I a sense that someone is unstable or troubled and needing my help I feel trapped and suffocated.

I also feel the same way when someone keeps pushing a relationship with me when I am not reciprocating. When I was growing up, my mother was often unstable and troubled and tried to commit suicide more than once over a period of years. I, being the oldest, and yet a teen, fell into a savior role. The experience was literally soul draining and terrifying in so many ways. Often times, I feel like I just want people to leave me alone. Hi there, we think you know where this is all coming from as you mention your difficult childhood with an unstable mother.

Working with a therapist on this could really help you recognise and then change these patterns. But to be honest…my parents were never there for me when I was little. I lived my whole childhood with nannies and books. But things slowly changed after my younger sister died. I guess my mum finally noticed me and slowly started building a relationship with me. But my dad,I feel like he rejects me every day. Also I was mocked and bullied a lot for my speech disorder when I was younger.

It got better but to be honest the trauma of having kids laugh at me never left. Then came high school where I was too underdeveloped if you catch my drift. I was constantly called unlovable,ugly too small for any boy to want. It got to my head I admit. Just acquitances. But I never let anyone know the real me. I never told anyone anything at all.

It always seems like the easiest way out.